Our long anticipated western trip for a family reunion was coming up rapidly. For days before, our schedule was brimming over with responsibilities and activities that couldn’t be avoided. Too many late nights were running me down.

That last night before leaving, I sat down wearily with my Bible and devotional book. I didn’t remember the verses I read, but a quote stuck with me. “God loves to provide for you! “

The exhaustion and failures in being the mom and wife I longed to be, loomed over, haunting me with guilt. “How can God really love to provide for me when I’ve messed up again?!” Yes I prayed and confessed but still felt down and ill prepared mentally for the long haul ahead. Travels with children and a toddler overwhelmed me in my raggled frame of my mind.  

“I wonder how He will provide for me on this trip,”  I thought. I know He always does, but I faced this trip with skepticism. This was a 9 day trip, not a weekend jaunt. My sleep is one of the quickest things to evaporate with the slightest stress. And then my 16 month old.  She sleeps great at night, thank God! But travels in her car seat is where the real concern lay.

We woke well before dawn and headed out in the darkness. Surely the children would all go back to sleep! But the baby had no such plans. My fears rose with the sun. An hour after leaving, the crying began. Offers for snacks, toys and drinks. Prayers. Disciplinary actions. “Just go night night, honey.” “Waaaaahhhh, waaahh”, on and on  she howled. “She has to learn,” hubby reminds me. “She’ll do better tomorrow,” he speaks with more optimism than I.

With hours of listening to my baby’s fussing, I was more than weary. I was in despair. How would I ever cope with this long day? With the days of travel ahead? I didn’t even try to keep back tears. Noise rapidly overstimulates my brain. Fatigue plagued me. But no matter how tired I am, fussing baby or not, I cannot sleep while traveling. My eyes burned from tears, dry contacts, and tiredness. Headache. My shoulders were tight. I felt the pain in my arm muscles/elbow that was bothering me for months. Countless prayers arose in the ‘groanings which couldn’t be uttered’ sort.

Let me clarify. I’m melancholy by nature, combined with gut/brain issues so it doesn’t take much to throw me in the gutters. I realize there are much worse scenarios life can bring and there are Mamas with much stronger brain health than me. So to you, my situation may sound pittly. Also, I’m beginning to wonder if being a 40ish mom doesn’t play into things too. Instead of the vigor of a 25 year old, my brain and body sags quicker with the demands of littles.

Back to the travels. I let my mind wander what I would ask if I could order anything I wanted. With my immediate needs plaguing me, these came to mind. Quietness. Solitude away from my children. A massage. A good long massage would feel amazing! A tidy room with a soft bed and cool sheets. A place to sleep undisturbed for many long hours. Waking refreshed, I’d bask in warm sunshine, reveling in the peaceful quiet of nature.

After 6 hours, Macie finally fell asleep for about 30-40 minutes. Grateful I was, but knew we were in for it. How would we survive 6 days of travels?! (Three days out and three back home) Tears coursed down my cheeks as we sped along, when suddenly, the vehicle dings merrily. The cruise had quit and soon Jerald informs me the transmission is acting up. I almost laughed. In my frame of mind,  who knows what would go wrong next. It also humored me that exactly nine years ago this month, we were headed to Montana, just as we were this time, and our van’s alternator gave up the ghost. How’s that for a track record? Both times we were in South Dakota. I like the west but it appears our vehicles do not. With prayers and faith we rolled on another 30-40 miles to get our Yukon checked out.

Silly as it sounds, I was relieved my weepy self and fussy toddler were no longer the  problem in focus. Our overnight plans haunted me because I was in no shape for socializing, managing children, getting them to bed, plus being gracious guests in my distressed shape. Being delayed with checking out the vehicle, put us further behind. We canceled our overnight plans with relatives. Instead of despair, relief flooded me.

The children and me lounged on the strip of grass outside the shop. Yes it was hot and windy, but oh the relief of a happy baby. God’s provision? Absolutely! I briefly imagined what if we were stranded and literally had to spend the night on the street. But deep down I knew God would provide. I had a kind, wise husband who would take care of his family.  Most of all,  I had a big God who would provide for His weary child. Just as I was happy to have my howling baby out of her seat and trotting around, God was happy to provide that strip of grass and fresh air for my baby and me.

The shop guy hooked up his scanner, cleared all the sensors, and praise Jehovah! We were back on the road with a working vehicle! The transmission kept working good the remainder of our travels. On hot days it heated up a little, but never quit working. God’s provision? Absolutely!

We stopped at Golden Corral for supper. Gladness filled my heart as I fastened Macie’s bib and prepped her plate, eager to see her enjoy the food. And just then the thought flashed through my mind- “God loves to provide for you just like you love to provide for your baby!”

Aahh, yes, God was providing for me and my family’s needs! Hubby found an Airbnb near Rapid City, SD. We rolled in there, unpacked, I bathed Macie and this Mama went to bed long before the usual bedtime. God’s provision? Absolutely!

And how many times did God provide for me that day? On that 9 day trip? How many times God provides for His children in ways we don’t even notice?! I have no answers.  I don’t know why I still fret. Being over the hill, I really should have my act together. Instead it  seems the older I get the more needy I become.

God also loves providing things for us that are pure enjoyment and not absolutes for survival. Brilliant blooms, intricate petals of flowers, the sweetness of summer fruits, the smell of freshly mown grass, or baking bread. The buzzing bees and hummingbirds, the beauty of the rolling ocean, the majestic mountains. He could have kept this world barren, with no color. He could have given us one single food or no taste buds. He could have kept this world in complete darkness, instead of creating sunshine. He gives so much more than we deserve!

“But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment,  and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the Lord. Jeremiah 9:24

God is not scolding us for not managing better. When our emotions are fragile and the children’s chaos deplets our brain, it doesn’t mean we’re a failure. It means we’re dusty humans in need of God.

My own first response when I mess up is giving myself lectures. But when Elijah collapsed with exhaustion under the Juniper tree, God didn’t give him a lecture. He provided for his immediate needs. 

God loves providing for you, weary friend! Trust Him when the baby fights sleep and the toddler howls. Trust Him when your loved one stays ill instead of recuperating. Trust Him when the relationship you put lots of effort in falls flat. Trust Him when there’s more tears than smiles. When you don’t know how you’ll manage through your changing circumstances, God will provide! But perhaps not in the way we imagine.

God’s provision is not always a cool pillow to rest our weary head. It’s not instant relief from pain, hardship, or stressful circumstances. It’s not a sudden, happy toddler or instant healing. We might not recognize God’s provision immediately, but it doesn’t mean He’s not providing. He just might be teaching us reliance on His grace in ways we wouldn’t learn otherwise.

The Hebrew meaning of Jehovah Jireh is: the Lord will provide. He provided for our family on this trip when it looked impossible. There were plenty of emotional needs going on with all of us. But we also had times of peace and prayer. Prayers especially for Macie and our vehicle, as well as imploring God’s help for all our moods.  

You might want to journal His everyday providence in your life. I’ve found it helps solidify His provision in the past, to my forgetful brain.